Refiner’s Fire: How Marriage Has Made Me Better

As I sat this morning, I was trying to think about my next “marriage” post.  I posed this question to myself, “How has being married changed me?”  And the song, “Refiner’s Fire,” came to mind.  The lyrics go like this:

“Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold
Refiner’s fire
My heart’s one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master
Ready to do Your will
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within”

Now, I know the song is about God transforming and purifying our lives, but marriage, I believe, is God’s work, so it makes sense why these lyrics came to mind.  How have I changed as a result of being married?

A year after getting married, we said our vows in the church.

Well, I can now see that much to my embarrassment, I had sides to my personality that were rather immature and selfish prior to marriage.  Now, I still probably do, but I think I have matured a lot in the last 3.5 years since meeting Ben and especially the last two since we’ve been married.

Specifics?  Here are two.

1. How to Communicate Effectively During Times of Conflict:  I honestly did not know how to get into an argument when we first were together. I thought arguing was a sign of a bad relationship so I would avoid conflict until it came to a head and then I’d just explode.  Case in point–the time I threw my glass into the sink and it shattered because I was so angry.  Wow, wasn’t that mature [shakes head sadly…lol]?!  But honestly, it was a symptom of the fact that I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions in a calm, constructive way.  I had let myself get so angry that it bubbled up, and the result?  Well, I learned quickly that my husband does not respond well to that kind of childish behavior.  Instead of getting his attention so he would listen to me, he turned his back on me and walked right out of the house.  Almost immediately I asked myself the question, “How could you be so stupid?”  Not only did I not solve anything, I lost his respect, and the issue I was angry about still didn’t get resolved.

I am certainly no expert in conflict management, and I’ve only been married a little over two years, but I can thankfully say that since the day I threw the glass in the sink, I have never acted so childishly.  I’ve gotten angry, I’ve said things I shouldn’t have, but I’m getting better about communicating constructively and trying to get at the root of the problem before I explode.  I’m far from perfect at this and I’m sure I’ll have my slips, but my way of dealing with conflict has changed because Ben has shown me that mature adults do not act that way.

The best thing my husband ever said to me was, “Being married to you has been the greatest joy of my life.”

How else has marriage made me better?

2.  Putting Money in Perspective:   Marriage has made me less selfish.  I am not proud to say that I have had issues with money in my life.  I’m a saver, not a spender. I’m extremely cautious with my money.  The only time I’ve really indulged myself is when I’ve saved for vacations because traveling is one of my passions.  I’d much rather spend money on experiences than on “stuff.”  Over the past two years with Ben in school and some other financial set-backs, I’ve had to learn not to put money before our marriage.  Ben has shown me that dealing with money can be a logical process instead of an emotional one, and while I still struggle with this, I have come a long way since my early 20s, when I cried for a full day after my car got totaled, because I was so upset that I’d have to buy a new car.  You would have thought I’d been diagnosed with cancer the way I was freaking out about $$.  Thankfully, marriage has helped me put money in perspective.

Both of these areas I am still working on, but I know that without Ben, I probably would not have come nearly as far.  Being his partner has forced me to be a better person, to shed old habits, and become more like the Megan I am sure God wants me to be.

So yes, marriage is God’s work, and it is like a “refiner’s fire,” constantly making me better.  I hope I am doing the same for Ben.  I can say with confidence that I am.