My baby boy is 2 months old as of yesterday. I can’t begin to describe the level of joy he has brought to our lives. Sure, the nights can be a little tough and his bouts of crying confusing for a first time mama (Is he hungry? Dirty diaper? Tired? Gassy?), but I am learning to read his cues and figure out his cries. Right now I think he’s going through his “8 week leap” because he doesn’t want to be away from me for more than a second. I am actually wearing him as I type this…he’s all cozy in his Ergo.
What has becoming a mother meant to me? It’s a type of love I’ve never experienced before–completely unconditional. This must be how the heavenly father feels about us…or at least the closest thing to it. I cry tears of joy almost every day when I see my little guy smile…partly because he’s just so beautiful and partly because I can’t bear the thought of being away from him when I go back to work. I remember a few years ago when one of my co-workers came to work for the first time after having a baby (she had just dropped him off to his first full day at daycare) and she was crying. I felt sympathy for her but I really didn’t know what she was going through. Now I completely understand how hard that morning must have been for her…you just want your little one to be completely happy, healthy, safe, and loved, and who better to ensure those things than you and your husband. But alas, it’s not always possible for that to be the case. And I guess I should feel beyond blessed that we’ll only need to have Jack with a nanny (our friend) for 2.5 weeks and then Ben will take over daddy duty. I’m so glad that he’ll be with his dad even though I wish it were me.
Being a mother has made me better understand how much my own parents must love me. I love them so much, but it’s a different kind of love than the love you have for your child. I feel badly now for every time I treated them disrespectfully, but even more than that…I feel bad for the years in high school and college that I suffered from depression because the thought of Jack ever facing what I did just breaks my heart. I want him to be joy filled and I want him to feel a sense of worthiness and love all the days of his life. I know he will struggle and I know his life won’t be perfect, but at the very least, I want him to always feel he is worthy of love. I had to battle for that sense of worthiness for quite a few years before I really truly believed it, and it makes me sad that my parents had to bear that burden of knowing how unhappy their daughter was.
Being a mother means my sense of time has changed completely. These last two months have positively flown by. Jack has already changed so much in two months. It’s hard to imagine just how different he’ll be two months from now. All the milestones he’ll reach. It makes me wish I could spend every second with him, but I have to trust that God has put us in just the right set of circumstances so that our family will be happy and healthy.
Being a mother means that family is more important to me than ever. It’s even harder for me being away from my family than it was this past year. I want Jack to grow up knowing his aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. And while I know he will, it’s not the same when they live so far away. Fortunately, we may have a few family members coming our way! It means more to me than anything in the world!
Being a mother means I will
…probably never have 8 consecutive hours of sleep again (at least for many years to come)
…always be worried about my child
…not care so much about money as long as my child’s needs are met
…do anything to ensure his happiness, health, and safety
…always have a heart full of love…it often feels as if my heart will burst. It’s just so full.
To all the mommies in the world…especially my own. Thank you.